Saturday, August 9, 2008

Is that enough room for cream?

Actually, no. *But* I will say it is so that I don't have to dick around an extra thirty-five fucking minutes of my day whilst you figure it out. What I'm really trying to say is, every visit to the coffee shop seems to take more time than is necessary. No, I didn't order a triple latte mochachino-iato with soy-lite soy-starbucks-ordering-at-a-fucking-free-trade-coffee-house-psuedo-intellectual-douche-coo-hypocrite-ass-ten-dollar-drink-ordering-lattechino-dick-dog-triple-dick-crapface-crapacino, I ordered the same thing I get every fucking day, a dark coffee to go with a little room for cream, and even if you only fill the fucking thing half way up I won't even complain because not only are the customers ordering $hit liberating way too much of my anytime minutes, but the people "working" here are too, and I just want my shit and I wanna go. Why, when it's 8am and I have to get the fuck to work, is it taking three fucking years to get me a coffee. I didn't order a special needs coffee, just a regular ass coffee, and I want it in my blood stream now. Also, why, when you don't have any coffee made, which makes no fucking sense, do you not make me aware of this, instead, allow me to stand there and stare in bewilderment while you start a new brew of coffee and now I'm ten minutes late on my fucking walk to get my ride to work. Why do you make the assumption that I will know that you don't have any coffee made, even though you're a fucking coffee shop. Do you think I'm just dicking around too and have no where to go or be, and therefore don't need to give me a heads up that you're fucking around and haven't made any coffee because you've been spending the last twenty minutes with your finger in your nose? No one is even in here, so don't tell me you've been too busy to make some coffee. What the fuck people, seriously. Mornings are hard enough, do you really need to add this extra stress? Well, fuck you coffee shop because in less than a weeks worth of time, I'm phunsta have a new coffee shop, which happens to be one of my old coffee shops, and hopefully they have at least .25 percent more of their shit together than you. I spend too much of my hard earned cash on this shit for people to flake out constantly. I could run a better coffee operation if I was blindfolded and people were throwing darts at my head. Ok, maybe not, but still...

in other news, I'm listening to Rilo Kiley. Maybe it's the new one, I don't know because I never listened to this shit before. Usually I shy away from new music that gets a bunch of hype and also sounds like it might suck. So, I know you're asking yourself, why and how did she end up listening to this shiznit? Well, I'm here to tell you, (that's the point of The Last Donut, me talking endlessly and pointlessly about mostly arbitrary or inane subjects and opinions.) I was forced by my friend to listen to this around 1:30 in the morning last night and it sounded good when I was crunked up (note to self: do not use term "crunked up" ever again.) Now that I'm sober/hungover/pissed about the lack of coffee that was put in my coffee cup, it's a good time to re-evaluate. (I've found in my twenty seven years on planet earthington that this is always a good way to prepare for intellectual stimiluation.) Basically, it's pretty fucking awesome. But I don't get paid to write this blog and I don't get jerked off by local scenesters to write music reviews, so that's all you get from me sons o bitches, just a "I fucking think it rules." That's it, that's all. If you want more, you have to pay me, this shit isn't free, and right now I get the feeling like you might get arrested for trespassing, on my mind, and this intellectual property has legal rights and feelings too. So back the fuck out, get off my land/out of my mind/don't touch nothin'/sit in the car/either we lovin or I'll see you tmw. Oh fuck, there I go again, trailing off, derailing into a firey wreck of shitty rap lyrics.

Speaking of memorizing rap lyrics inadvertantly and unintentionally, only to have them re-emerge at inopportune and actually stupid moments, and then, when you need to remember you're fucking bank account number or what time you were supposed to meet someone, or even the fact that you were suppose to meet them at all, you can't?! Maybe I'll start taking ginseng, I heard on the streets that ginseng can transform you into a magical unicorn or centaur and that you will also remember stuff better. But, I also heard that it might have bad side effects like not being able to breakdance and loss of vision. I guess I haven't really thought this one out, we'll see what happens. I probably won't remember that I thought about it, or even that I wrote this blog. I might even forget I know how to write. Basically, I'm fucked, and I'm going to blame you for reading this, instead of myself, because it's not really productive.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Clearly, Awesome.

Ayo, ayo, ayo folks! I've only got four minutes to do what I gotta do, to say what I gotta say, to make you stay... sick, those are lyrics from the song I'm listening to on Pandora right now. Speaking of Pandora radio, it's time to explore the reasons why you should hate me based solely on one of a bazillion radio stations I have created on my Pandora account.

Sure, some of my other stations are respectable, or at the very least, give me some kind of street cred amongst hipsters and "musicals" alike. (sidenote: "musicals" is a term my co-worker told me he calls people in bands that we work with, I'm pretty sure he made this word up as used in the context he uses it, he also listens to pantera and christian rock, put that in your pot and let it stew for a moment...) However, today, I made a station that reveals my love for the shittiest shit festival of modern R&B hip hop pop hop crap pop rap... and this isn't even an apology. If anything, consider it gloating, I wear my love of shitty music proudly on my sleeve, but I digress.

The name of the radio station is "Ray J radio" but I did add these artists to the station as well: Bobby Brown, Bobby Valentino, The Dream, Musiq, Akon, Bow Wow, Chris Brown, Omarian, R Kelly, and Usher.

Besides pointing out how awesome I am, what else should I add to this list? And how jealous are you?

So stupid it's great,